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oh hai
May. 24th, 2008 | 08:15 pm
i usually never actually go through with writing down what's been up, how i feel, what's been bothering me, and what's been making me happy,. even though words are what i can get away with, i seem to freeze every time i open up one of my million notebooks or diaries. maybe this will be different, hopefully,. it'd be good.
i guess i'll start by covering everything that's been on my mind. first off, i guess, my boyfriend, which is weird, because i never let myself get too involved with any boy what so ever, and if i do, i never make him my priority. i'm not saying that he is, but he's definitely been on my mind a lot lately, which again, isn't a bad thing right? because i mean, he is my boyfriend,. he's supposed to be on my mind,.i guess the thought of him leaving me is scaring me more and more as time goes by and as i spend more time with him, it's hard getting attached to someone when you know you won't end up with him. this brings me to another point. he's mentioned a lot of time me and him staying together after he graduates and goes off to college.,i find myself repeating over and over again that i don't trust him, and most people are like , " oh, Viviane, that's stupid, you need trust for a relationship to work", and i mean, i guess i do trust him, but i need to find something that would make me think that him being eight hours away from me wouldn't work, and just yesterday, i went for a five mile run with Rich, and i told him about it, and it didn't bother him one bit, knowing that at one point i had feelings for Rich, he still trusted me, and when i got back from south haven park and called him, he flat out told me that the reason why he didn't let it bother him was because he trusted me., nice going Viviane, real nice.
:; you once belonged to my kisses :-*
something that's been bothering me, is that i feel like i have to be home whenever i spend too much time out with my friends, because of my track practices or my meets, or when i'm out with my boyfriend and his friends somewhere. i've always been kind of close with my family, i've always spent my weekends hanging around the house helping out my mom with all the errands she had to run or the cleaning she had to do around the house, because my sister was always too young and selfish to do anything. now, when i know i've been out every school night until 10:30 at night, i feel bad for my mom, and i hate that feeling, because then i have to make a schedule in my mind and try to make time for school, work, friends, track, boyfriend, not even implying the time that i'd like to myself to just relax, and on top of that, i have to squeeze in some family time to do some good ole' family activities. i also feel as if some of my friends have turned sour because of my boyfriend. i always told myself everything would come before him, no matter what circumstances, and i've recently found myself canceling plans with some of my bestest friends in order to spend time with him,.but, what if you have two best friends, like the whole triangle thing, because my boyfriends became one of the people that i can actually have a conversation with and i won't feel as if i'm talking to a wall.,~ i wish i didn't have to worry about making everyone happy, while i'm sitting here being nervous about losing my friends, making my mom mad, and getting my boyfriend upset because he doesn't get to see me.
school;:
i have three regents to take this year.
i'm not nervous about french and math.
but i feel like crying every time i walk into science.
something happened the other night. at one point, i couldn't even believe what i was doing, because i never thought that i would be that way, at least not at this age, not this young. i know that if i talk to him about it, i'll just end up scaring him and he'll feel horrible, and that's the one thing i don't want him to feel like. i don't want him to regret what happened, because i know i don't. what's bothering me though, is that i know i will never forget him, because of that, and i know that he might, even thought he says he won't, or thinks he won't, he might, not even realizing it, but i know that even if i wanted to i could never forget him. i don't want him to forget me. he can't forget me.
i'll finish this later,.
i guess i'll start by covering everything that's been on my mind. first off, i guess, my boyfriend, which is weird, because i never let myself get too involved with any boy what so ever, and if i do, i never make him my priority. i'm not saying that he is, but he's definitely been on my mind a lot lately, which again, isn't a bad thing right? because i mean, he is my boyfriend,. he's supposed to be on my mind,.i guess the thought of him leaving me is scaring me more and more as time goes by and as i spend more time with him, it's hard getting attached to someone when you know you won't end up with him. this brings me to another point. he's mentioned a lot of time me and him staying together after he graduates and goes off to college.,i find myself repeating over and over again that i don't trust him, and most people are like , " oh, Viviane, that's stupid, you need trust for a relationship to work", and i mean, i guess i do trust him, but i need to find something that would make me think that him being eight hours away from me wouldn't work, and just yesterday, i went for a five mile run with Rich, and i told him about it, and it didn't bother him one bit, knowing that at one point i had feelings for Rich, he still trusted me, and when i got back from south haven park and called him, he flat out told me that the reason why he didn't let it bother him was because he trusted me., nice going Viviane, real nice.
:; you once belonged to my kisses :-*
something that's been bothering me, is that i feel like i have to be home whenever i spend too much time out with my friends, because of my track practices or my meets, or when i'm out with my boyfriend and his friends somewhere. i've always been kind of close with my family, i've always spent my weekends hanging around the house helping out my mom with all the errands she had to run or the cleaning she had to do around the house, because my sister was always too young and selfish to do anything. now, when i know i've been out every school night until 10:30 at night, i feel bad for my mom, and i hate that feeling, because then i have to make a schedule in my mind and try to make time for school, work, friends, track, boyfriend, not even implying the time that i'd like to myself to just relax, and on top of that, i have to squeeze in some family time to do some good ole' family activities. i also feel as if some of my friends have turned sour because of my boyfriend. i always told myself everything would come before him, no matter what circumstances, and i've recently found myself canceling plans with some of my bestest friends in order to spend time with him,.but, what if you have two best friends, like the whole triangle thing, because my boyfriends became one of the people that i can actually have a conversation with and i won't feel as if i'm talking to a wall.,~ i wish i didn't have to worry about making everyone happy, while i'm sitting here being nervous about losing my friends, making my mom mad, and getting my boyfriend upset because he doesn't get to see me.
school;:
i have three regents to take this year.
i'm not nervous about french and math.
but i feel like crying every time i walk into science.
something happened the other night. at one point, i couldn't even believe what i was doing, because i never thought that i would be that way, at least not at this age, not this young. i know that if i talk to him about it, i'll just end up scaring him and he'll feel horrible, and that's the one thing i don't want him to feel like. i don't want him to regret what happened, because i know i don't. what's bothering me though, is that i know i will never forget him, because of that, and i know that he might, even thought he says he won't, or thinks he won't, he might, not even realizing it, but i know that even if i wanted to i could never forget him. i don't want him to forget me. he can't forget me.
i'll finish this later,.